We've Been Given Superpowers

From time to time on quiet evenings in, Stephanie will raise fun thought experiments for us to puzzle over. Tonight, the question of choice was, If you could be any superhero (that has not yet been invented), who would you be?

Steph's contribution? Crime Stomper, the crime fighter who turns into a giant shoe who steps on "crime people", temporarily paralyzing them (though causing no lasting harm) and thereby foiling their evil intentions!!!

That got me thinking...as legit as Crime Stomper is (I mean, what's more awesome than a non-lethal giant shoe?), there are surely some fairly-spectacular-but-as-yet-un-thunk-of superheroes out there. To that end, I offer for your reading pleasure my "Top 8 (Cuz Really, How Can You Pick Just One?) Hypothetical Superheroes"...listed in the order I come up with them:

8.
Name: The Ironic Vacuum
Super Power: Crazy tubular arms that shoot cold air at villains.
Weakness: The cold, northern wind (because really, who likes a redundant superhero?)
Arch-Nemesis: The Enormous Ball of Hair

7.
Name: Fast Food Fighter
Super Power: Shoots boiling-hot grease from his eyeballs.
Weakness: "Healthy Choice" menus
Arch-Nemesis: The Food Pyramid of Death

6.
Name: The Mosquito
Super Power: Unusually long, pointy nose that he uses to poke people. Mostly annoys bad guys into submission.
Weakness: Very sticky tape
Arch-Nemesis: The Evil Dr. Fly Swatter

5.
Name: Lego Kid
Super Power: Made entirely of legos, Lego Kid possesses unique shape-shifting abilities. He can turn into anyone, or anything...out of legos.
Weakness: Really plush carpets (they make it difficult to stand up)
Arch-Nemesis: The Hungry Baby Sister

4.
Name: The Mauve Lantern
Super Power: Can command and bring to life anything mauve. Mostly that means flowers, and grandmotherly sweaters.
Weakness: Large Bees
Arch-Nemesis: The Pruning Hook

3.
Name: Quantum Mechanics Crusader
Super Power: Throws really small strings at criminals which, shirking the normal laws of causation, may or may not do anything.
Weakness: Hypersensitive to membraneous activity
Arch-Nemesis: The Dorky PBS-Watching Psuedo-Intellectual

2.
Name: The Arbitrarian
Super Power: It varies...sometimes she shoots bolts of lightning from her fingertips, others she uses her psychic ability to hunt down evil-doers. And sometimes, absolutely nothing. Why? No one knows.
Weakness: Being forced to choose where to eat dinner.
Arch-Nemesis: Mr. Specific

1.
Name: The Kill-osopher
Super Power: Witty phrases and skull-busting syllogisms.
Weakness: The phrase, "You just made all that junk up, didn't you?"
Arch-Nemesis: Skepti-saurus