may 29

On May 29th our first baby would have been 1 year old.  Crazy.  It was a hard, emotional day.  It sounds strange, but I almost didn't know how to feel.  As I sat holding Elijah I was flooded with different emotions: sadness for the loss of my first child, happiness with the birth of Elijah, and thankfulness for his health.  I know full well that if our first baby had lived, Elijah wouldn't be here.  And that folks, makes me feel weird.  I HATE that we lost of first baby, and the pain from losing him/her is still so fresh, but I also love my little man more than words can say.  So, I live in the in-between.  I let myself feel the pain and the joy.  And that's okay.  Miscarriage is a really complex and we're still learning how to deal with it.